It’s dark. December night in Dunblane but I’d better get them out. Pull my boots on and Shitzu goes mental, jumps off couch and starts doing a wee dance. Jaiket on and shes jumping up at me. Calm doon ya wee dick. Right Kuro, you coming ? Slowly , almost painfully, Kuro gets out her bed. Ok da, I’m coming.

Open door, Shitzu shoots oot. Cat! She shoots across the road. Shitzu ffs! I run across street… u seen Shitzu I ask ma neebor who putting the bins out. Shes zooming about their garden, cats on her tiny mind. I turn round, Kuro is standing un the middle of the road. Kuro ffs, get aff the road.

Head on up to the park, Shitzu miles ahead buzzing, Kuro miles behind trundling. At the park Shitzu freezes – a black labradoodle! She crouches then runs towards it but it’s all good, they sniff then the labradoodle walks away. That’s the signal. Shitzu, emboldened, chases after it barking – aye fuck off and dont come back. Labradoodle turns round, eh? Shitzu shites it , turns and scuttles back to hide behind me. Meanwhile, Kuro has finally arrived,spots the stranger,runs up barking- feed me feed me. Poor guy hes got Kuro barking at him and Shitzu barking at his dog. I wave an apology.

We head home but theres Ruby the golden lab and her owner. More barking from my two. Onwards down the hill but theres Luna at the window barking. Shitzu runs across the street and barks up at the window. Caroline opens the door to say hello and its total mayhem. Dogs gu leor!

Finally we head home, the final 50 yards but Shitzu spots a cat under a car and a mad cartoonlike chase ensues. Shitzu ffs! Neighbours curtains twitching. Finally I order Shitzu into the house…but wheres Kuro? Standing in the middle of the road, spotlit, a car sits impatiently behind her. Kuro come here ffs! I wave apologies to the driver who ignores me. Up yours ya grumpy git.

And…we’re home. Kuro lumbers across the threshold and Shitzu launches herself at her. Poor Kuro.

What a pair. Young and old. Little and large.Black and white. Yin and yang.

I slump onto the couch. Next time, I say to Elaine, you’re taking them out.

But we both know that’s a lie.

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